Confronted Lines. Written over the period of January 28th. Incomplete.

Confronted Lines

1/28/2021

 This is a line and this line is mine

You will kindly find my feet and my spine are perfectly aligned

And on either side is a plus and a minus sign

This is a line and this line is mine

You will kindly find that my feet and my spine, are on the minus sign

Now id like to assign and also define what one might find on this side of the line

This side of the line screams a truth that is not mine but I internalize because I need validation from myself because I am the one who I let down most.

Sinking in regret of a line I said years ago but dreaming of a reality that ultimately thrives 10 times more successful than this one could ever aspire to be

I write these rhymes line after line as my final sign that I am alive, physically… The psyche sucks and makes things more difficult than they need to be but I don't care cause I'm just me. I do what I want, whenever I please, and I try to appease myself but ultimately speaking, the only person I let down is me.

I fear my heart, it's my least favorite part cause it battles my thoughts and the logic of my mind, but my heart is fueled by dreams and the unrealistic expectation that the life I live is mine

I'm trapped in this skin. This garbage bin of two different people that bicker in and out. My heart and my mind don't work together to make  me, I would argue that their conflicts make and break me. “Who should I hate?” my heart desperately inquires, my brain replies, “the ones you desire”. It’s these conversations between two exe's that make my decisions and makes my life wretched

“How do I be happy?”, my soul will ask, but my heart and my brain sit there and slack, while it's left to my soul to chatter and tap tap tap that typewriter of wrong answers, crumbled up those paper balls, pick up the closest one that falls, and base my life off of desperation and something i made up while convincing myself that I unlocked the key to myself and get that validation, just do disappoint myself.

This vicious cycle of “how” and “why”, indefinitely leads to my ignored cries but who cares cause this is my world where no one dies. “So sit there and writhe you pathetic worm, your only skill is to write these words, but no one sees and no one cares, you're just another kid with hair on your head who lived the same life as anyone alive or dead. So sit in your bed, shut your mouth and waste this ink never to be read”. After that cycle, I have one choice… Accept the fact that It's me I disappoint.

It is just so draining, I promise I'm hanging onto what little hope is left. I'm just complaining, my mind is fine, my heart is fine. I only say that so I don't come across as more important than others even though I know that I am just as valuable but I don't think so even though I care for everyone except myself. Who knows why, It's just so complicated. I just can’t stand it. I think I'm hated. It's just not true… my love’s belated.

This is a line and this line is mine

You will kindly find that my feet and my spine, are on the plus sign

Now id like to assign and also define what one might find on this side of the line

My blood is hope and my veins are ambition. I stand in my kitchen and look at these dishes, platters of labels and cups full of hatred. My options are limited to just these two, and with food like that, I swear I'll pass, I'd rather fast… My problem is that I'm hungry for anything, poison or not, food is food and starved I'm not. I consume too much poison, thus am left with choices to keep on eating or not, and I chose to deal with the sickness so I put my foot down, I will not live like this anymore. 

I stand on this podium and share my words in hope that they reach the minds of those who need to know they have some value. I dont mean value by currency or fortune but value as a person to be who you want to. Living by your own accord is something that has proven hard and to say the worst, a number of people just cant afford. The luxury of life is a human right that even then is rare. but then we stop and segregate those who are physically alive but mentally dead. split apart the mentally living and physically thriving. The differences there become more apparent. Split the world down the middle, find the thing that leaves us widdled, dried and brittle, weak and little. Cure the source of pain and the riddle of "Who am I" and the scary question of "why do I disappoint myself the most"

Im a firm believer that life is choice. Happiness lives in the palm of your hands but no one told us how to apply it to this land of psychotic misery that only looks like that because we make it. I say we as an all. No one lives for and by themselves, we fuel each other and provide help with my selfless nature but outliers exist with or without the assist of them in the first place.

This is a line and this line is mine

you will kindly find my feet and my spine are on the minus sign

now i'd like to assign and also define what one might find on this side of the line

Im back in hell, indefinitely though. I dont feel worth what I have now, my friends and family keep me happy, I'm so much to handle and I can't stand burdening them with my nonsense and time, my mental problems.

I just cant take much more