Artistic pride, intent, guilt, hope.

     I suppose I have this fear of annoyance. I want to post about my problems, but I don't wanna fill peoples feed. I want to want to share that I made a post on here, but I feel people already put up with me enough. "I wanna post the link to this poem but who would actually care" What makes it worse is the person I am having problems over, the person I'm writing after knows why it's happening. They know our conversation then they see this soon after. I feel bad- I write when I am feeling down, but at the same time- regardless of how bad of a mood I am in, I take pride in this. I take pride in my writing, regardless of the topic- I want to share it. Hell, why do you think I made this entire thing in the first place. I want to be recognized and complimented, but that's hard to do when you feel judged, attacked and guilty for having the problems in the first place. Add all that with my ever strong desire for them to see it. I am gonna have the same problem with this one-

Sometimes I wonder why I do this. I made this page to share my poems. I have a depressive episode one minute, then the next I am watching the post's analytics to see if people are reading it. I listen to sad music and write about my feelings then post the link with this arrogant and prideful "look what I made" attitude. It's like making a painting in blood then hanging it up in a gallery with flashy lights. That's why I question if my problems are real. If I felt the way I thought I did and tell people I do, then why would I do this...